Last week, I had the opportunity to attend the annual Contemplative Care Meditation Retreat in Garrison, New York, hosted by the New York Zen Center. As a new, informal student of Zen practice, I am always humbled by the experiences that this retreat offers. I come back home feeling more connected and grounded. This is especially important during these challenging times that have a tendency to drive us apart. Recognizing the fears, actions, and thought patterns that keep us repelled from one another and learning how to overcome this is an essential step in our healing as an individual and a community.
During uncertain times, it is natural to try to protect ourselves. Self-preservation is an attribute that we developed very early in our human experience. It served us well because we continue to walk this earth, afterall. Unfortunately, the armor that we build up around us to keep us safe also prevents us from connecting to others. We start to see each other as threats rather than just beautifully imperfect beings who are doing their best to get through the day.
The next time you are walking down a busy street, or are riding the DC Metro, take a look around. What do you think you’ll see? Probably a lot of averted glances and blank faces. During our retreat, we participated in an activity where we practiced walking in a room while actively making an effort to look at one another while doing so. At first it felt odd. Noticing this was important. We named that as our learned, protective parts trying to keep us safe.
After a while, this exercise did not feel so odd – in fact, it felt tender and loving. Slowly, smiles formed on our faces as we met each other’s glances. Then a nod here and there started. You could almost feel the armor being taken off. At first this vulnerability was scary, but that dissolved quickly with the kind look of another person. Tears started falling. The openness was both terrifying and enlivening. Soon, we were walking around the room, hugging each other – even people we didn’t know really at all. Was this really happening? It was. And it felt amazing.
Sometimes the struggle of our world can seem overwhelming, and holding this can feel heavy. We are just one person in a sea of suffering. What can I do? I say start a revolution of kindness to those around you. In fact, I tried this on my way back from the meditation retreat. On the packed North Hudson commuter line en route for Manhattan, instead of pulling inwards and staring at my phone, I met the glances of others and smiled. I sat next to strangers and started up a conversation. I connected. We laughed. I knew very little about these people (their political views, etc…) but that didn’t matter because we simply saw each other as humans.
While this train experience won’t save the world, perhaps it will infuse some healing into our fractured community. It starts with a glance, and then we are going to demand more of this. I challenge you to try something like this. Lean into the discomfort and vulnerability and trust that underneath all our armor are tender human beings, full of faults, fears, and insecurities, but we don’t have to hold all this alone. Trust me. Lean in. And feel held.
